Shannon's Poetry

Still Searching

How easily I am thrown
the mere thought of you
maybe you came to find me
maybe I am not so forgotten

my best friend for a time
our talks so long ago
we shared so many secrets
one I can't help think of now

Our lives intertwined for a brief time
leaving us both forever changed
I thought my heart was hard
Thought I had froze those feelings

Yet I saw a footprint,
maybe from you
Instantly reeled back
to just where I had been

I discovered, my heart is not hard
My feelings are far from warm
I am still just a princess
just looking for a prince

written: 12/30/03

Doubting

in the quiet I wonder
about my purpose, my reason
is it all pointless
a facade or true?

does it really matter
are the teachings real
doubts crowd beliefs
fear takes over

do I really matter
do I make a difference
would anyone notice
if I just fade away

I want to believe
with childlike faith
in what they say
and in what they do

follow the leader
this is a game I know
but I want to be invisible
sometimes I long for nothing

these thoughts invade
they cannot be silenced
my value is little
my unimportance is great

witten:12/6/03

Untitled

leave me alone
let me hide my shame
bad thoughts invade
my sanity is gone

how I fear you
with your agenda,
those motives unclear
unworthy of you I am

go away quickly
please let me run
the safety I know
has no room for you

please don't leave me
I'm bitterly torn
one foot in the light
the other still cloaked

a decision to be made
yet I can't turn back
grace taken away
leaving only regrets

written: 12/4/03

Hating You

battered
beaten
broken
alone
dreading
impacts
raging
unknown

angry
hurt
threatened
scared
forever
scarred
paranoia
instilled

unprovoked
intentional
fury
abandons
bruises
awaiting
another
battering

hopeless
hatred
pure
emotion
loving
lost
evil
soul

written: 11/16/03

Why?

hoping
waiting
wondering
unbelieving

Not seeing
what you see
that deep, inner
hidden part of me

ignorant
vulnerable
untrusting
unattractive

No sense
is made with
ideas instilled
Why do you bother

unclean
insecure
unworthy
unlovable

You've accepted
what I always hid
I'd don't understand
what you'll want in return

written: 11/15/03

If you only knew...

If you only knew
how I looked up to you
only saddened to find
that dark and ugly side

If you only knew
that I believed in you
to my disappointment I find
you never bothered to try

If you only knew
all the good I saw in you
frightened to see
the good and evil you can be

If you only knew
how I so very trusted you
hurt and ashamed to find
the betrayal in your mind

If you only knew
that I wanted to be like you
But now I can see
you're nothing like me

written:11/15/03

Hidden

Mouth closed tight
Many secrets to hide
pain dark as night
Wish that part of me died

I'm needy, too in fear
Too sensitive, too broken
Your mantra forever I hear
Although always silently spoken

Far too much was said
Now I'm scared of you
Oh, how I fear being lead
Your mantra saying its all true

Lost inside, mask in place
My walls stand once more
Pain hidden deep in my face
Yet you've seen it all before

written: 11/13/03

Grown Up

Big girls don't cry
They hide the pain
Putting on only a smile
No tears, no fears
Strong and serene
Carrying a load
Leaving no burdens
Watchful and quiet
Proper and behaved
Serious and steadfast
These things separate
The grown ups from the kids

I want to be grown up
A child no more
I can carry my own
No need for tears
Fears pushed away
I can be strong, serene
Serious and aloof
I'll grow up, change who I am
Once I do, maybe I'll be ok
Then I'll be liked, loved
If I can just be different
I know I will be better

written: 11/11/03

i
am
not
here
aware
unseen
ashamed
horrible
horrified
unforgiven
forgettable
unmistaken
forgotten
unwanted
unloved
scared
fears
lost
not
in
i

written: 11/6/03

Thank You

Blessed beyond my wildest dreams
Yet so undeserving I feel, unworthy
less than, not good enough to be

Yet you continue to give, to bless
Adding to me, to my life
unseen treasures, found only inside

I don't understand you, your motives
still untrusting I am, how patient you are
I am choosing you, I do believe

If you just watch me, wait and see
I'll make you proud, I'll do my best
Can you keep believing in me?

written: 10/21/03

Nothing

leave me alone

take away your games

with all your rules

they're illogical and cruel

mean and vicious

phony and fake

called me a daughter

like a slap in the face

you don't know love

you won't know hope

I empathized once

now only pity is left

your words cut deep
malicious and vindictive
sharp and untrue
that poison is you

leave me alone

go far far away

nothing here for you

and nothing to say

written: 10/16/03

too proud to ask

too scared to not

a self inflicted hell

the palace where i live

old ways not working

new ways too foreign

caught in a limbo

i have yet to understand

how did i get here

i was so safe where i was

yet i ventured to the unknown

too stupid to stand still

can't turn back now

i've left my home

can't move forward

there's no place to go

leaving me feeling

lost and alone

I raise my head up high

I grit my teeth,

pull back these shoulders

they can't see me weep

no regret in my eyes

I'll harden my heart,

sweet and innocent no more

cold and callous I'll be

because I can't be hurt

if nothing matters to me

I can feign indifference

I can act aloof

nothing will harm me

no one can hurt me

I won't care

and I won't feel

nothing is nothing

and no one is me

written: 10/11/03

Learning

"I don't care"

"It doesn't matter"

"You can't make me"
"I don't want to"

my phrases of protection

you tore them down

leaving me naked and scared

lost and alone

"I choose to believe"
my lone phrase of hope

the one you taught

yet I am naked and scared

still lost and alone

"Leave me alone"
"Let me go"
my phrases of defiance

I want you to listen

I'm scared you will

and I am still lost and alone

"I can't do this"
my phrase of fear

"You can and you will"

my phrase of strength

I'm still scared but,

no longer lost and alone

written: 10/7/03

Secret

There is a secret
far too big for me
Yet I keep it,
under lock & key

Shame burns my face
I open my mouth
But no words come out

There is a secret
far too big for me
It eats me bit by bit
this is how it needs to be

I act strong
Brave and tough
Never is it enough

I have a secret
far too big for me
If I tell you
you're sure to flee

Wanting to share it
Need to let it go
Do you already know?

There is a secret
far too big for me
Can I trust you
to still love me?

written: 10/02/03

Goodbye

I laughed
you loved me
I cried
you left me

Forever and always
you said we'd be
Then you left us
forever and always

I was so angry
so desperately hurt
aching, wanting, confused
I found my answers now

I'm no longer angry
No longer hurt or sad
Instead I have hardened
and changed to stone

I don't cry for you
I don't need your love
I don't need forever and always
I don't need you

Anger turned
Pity arrived
Sadness for you
is all that remains

We were happy
so I thought
My beliefs challenged
Idolizing a Magic Man

I laugh
I am loved
I cry
I am loved

You lost the magic
And I found myself

written: 9/01/03