Untitled

you turned to leave before
the tears fell on my face
out of fear and confusion
grief and a strange relief
scared that a friendship was gone
confusion of the path I've taken
grieving what we had, short as it was
strange relief, the decision had been made

your impact unknown,
the gifts you left
laughter and long talks,
giggles and silly moments
tears seem a small price to pay
for the exchange of feelings
the long meaningful looks
the connection created
and the bond forged

Another time, another place

Written: 12/27/01

Too Many Chances Given

You said
You're too much to handle
I heard
you are not worth it

You said
deal with it
I heard
your feelings are wrong

You said
you are too much to handle
I heard
you are not good enough

You left
I cried and hurt
You came back
I was cautious

You said
I want a friendship again
I heard
I am here to stay

You left again
I cried and hurt all over
I didn't understand
what was so wrong with me

You wonder why now
I am angry and bitter and hurt
Your apology was trite
your words fake and hollow

The first time it happened
That was your fault
The second it happened
That was mine

If I am so
worthless, hard to handle, and wrong
Why do you care?
Why are you even bothering

Go away
I do not wish to be hurt
again and again
by the likes of you

written: 6/16/01

Betrayal by a Friend

I just want to go to bed
I just want to be left alone.
I just want for no one
to call me, ask me, see me
I want nothing
I want everything

The world in my palm
Your words smash it to pieces
You may not mean them
They may come out of anger
They still hurt me
cut my heart
pierce my soul
Not forgotten
what was spoken

I trusted you
I told you
I was fragile
I was sensitive
already bruised
already battered
You said
"me too"

Fuck you
Fuck what you think
Fuck what you do
Fuck what you say

If you were a light bulb
you would be cold
dark
unnecessary
uncared about

I didn't invite you
into my life
into my heart
into my world
into my soul

You threw
the door open
my thoughts down
my feelings aside
me away

You didn't
care
know
relate
trust
love

You are
unloving
hurtful
vindictive
selfish

I hate
what you stand for
who you became
what you said

I wish I didn't know you
I wish I didn't care
But I do

written: 6/3/01

If you saw who I was
You would turn in horror
For who you think I am
Is the product of your mind

Confident outside
Scared inside
Fears that paralyze
Always unnoticed

You see strong
Although I am weak
You see brave
Yet, I am only a coward

Scared to be me
Scared to let you in
For if you see who I am
You will not accept me

I am only a figment you wish to see
No one can ever know the real me

written: 5/24/01

Our meeting was orchestrated
Not by one, but by two
The first being human connection,
The second being fate

Being scared and alone,
I looked to you for answers needed
Rather than answers,
You laid out my choices

Letting me make my own path
Loving me even while I stumbled
The choices hurt, the pain unbearable
You told me to cry,
the pain would soon pass

Being scared and in pain
I looked to you for comfort
Rather than just comfort,
You propped me up, held my hand

Letting me cry and hurt
Loving me when others walked away
Lessons were learned
Trust was slowly earned

That hurdle crossed
Another to face
Teaching me to have dignity
Teaching me self-respect above all

You could have walked away
Never to return
The others did
You chose not to leave

Telling me I am worthy
Telling me I am strong
I believed you,
Accepted your answers

A bond was forged
Through tears and laughter
A friendship emerged
Loving, loyal and unconditional

My confidante, my friend
Our friendships leaves me in awe
Not the reasons behind it
Simply because of it


I have learned to accept a lot
The hardest to accept though,
The one thing given so freely
Your love, trust and friendship

Not just my confidante,
Not just my friend,
But my inspiration as well

written: 3/23/01